Writeless

a state of knowing and wanting to write something...but simply cannot find the words to write

At least that's how I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks. It's been a crazy journey. Work and personal family life as well as personal health issues falling all over each other. Me, thinking that everything was under control, only to then find out it was everything but! And then everything came crashing down, screeching me to a halt, finding myself all crumpled and crumbling inside - emotionally and physically. And so I stopped. And listened to my body, my soul, and my mother's voice in my head saying, "How can you give of yourself, if you have nothing to give because you are so utterly exhausted?"

And so I did what I know now I simply have to make time for every now and then. Find a quiet place, a nest, where I can be totally alone with any existing raw emotions and tangled thoughts - but near enough to people whom I am comfortable with, who do not ask questions, who appreciate me for who I am - despite my sometimes inability (or unwillingness?) to appreciate myself. Family and the home is always a source of unending and unconditional energy...but sometimes we also need that breath of fresh air that fills the heart, soul and mind in completely different context. A sanctuary, but one that is also very vibrant and unexpected in a refreshing way.

Interestingly, I have been more productive work-wise in these past three days than I have in the past three weeks! At the same time, I have also explored many corners of my creative mind and been able to verbalize what I have found. And I also have felt listened to, and yes, seen by others. And in doing so, have also learned to listen and see not only others, but perhaps most importantly for this moment...myself.

A friend commented on my Facebook status "on a journey to self-discovery" - "Aren't we all?" Indeed we are. Not only as ourselves, but as that which is beyond ourselves. The challenge is to not lose the self in it all, and to also always be aware of each individual part that makes the collective "others".

So perhaps I am not totally writeless afterall. At least I've taken the first step to begin writing down the unraveling thoughts and feelings of my tangled mind. And perhaps in the posts that follow this one, I will begin making sense! The best cure for writelessness??? Start writing! All will become unraveled in due time...

And by all means...listen to what your body and your intuition is telling you. If you cannot even listen to yourself, how will you even begin listening to others? Communicating honestly with yourself is what ultimately energizes you to be able to communicate truthfully with others too.