maybe tomorrow

i still don't know what to write. around this time a year ago, it seemed like i couldn't stop writing... bursts of creativity and feelings that i hadn't felt in a long time occurred time and time again. and then, nothing.

it's as if this really cool chest of amazing things i had hidden somewhere had appeared - and whatever was inside just jumped out and surprised me daily, hourly, at the most unexpected times. then out of nowhere, "BAM!" the chest slammed shut. and no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't get it to open. and then i couldn't find it anymore. no matter how hard i looked. or perhaps, i lost the ability to see it. or, i chose not to see it anymore.

choices. we make gazillions of them everyday. some with minor consequences, others with unexpectedly large consequences, others yet with consequences that do not reveal themselves until days, weeks, months, even years go by. and what's interesting is that i've suddenly realized how in each important stage of my life, when i've had to make a life changing choice, there has always been music involved somehow...almost like a soundtrack to the defining moment.

what i know now is that a little less than a year ago, i made a choice. and the music stopped. it just stopped. and i stopped seeking my heartsong, and i also stopped singing with the voice i discovered when i sang with my 'true voice'. i know this because when i sing now there's always something missing. i sound off to myself.

weird. but at least it's a revelation. and i guess i still have stuff to write about after all. so maybe i will find my heartsong again. i was recently reminded by someone i used to sing with how i found my heartsong of that time when we sang together. but then i realized that it was the singing i loved...more than the person i was singing with. and so i made the choice to give up the music we made together so he could find his true soulmate. strangely, when we recently spoke he asked me if i still sang the songs we used to sing - and when i told him i didn't anymore, he said he stopped singing too. does that mean that in life there aren't only soulmates, but also songmates? and that they don't always necessarily end up manifesting in the same person?

so perhaps this is just that quiet time before the music starts again...the pause during the intermission...

...for in a way, silence does have a tune of its own, too.

p.s. thanks, akiko for letting me use your beautiful picture!